...despair...
...hope...
...fear......frustration...
...joy...
...laughter...
...many tears...
...peace...
...agony...
...grief...
...relief...
Email sent on Thursday, November 3, 2005
"Yesterday we really thought was going to be his last day here on earth, but he was not convinced and has continued to fight. We don't understand... we're ready for God to just take him... it is TORTURE to watch someone you love go through the process of death. I HATE IT! It makes me so mad at Satan. But so thankful for our Lord Jesus Christ. In the night last night Dad said that he thinks his next step is heaven... he says he's ready for new air. That's the first time he's expressed his readiness for heaven. He asked for some morphine last night... not for pain, but because he's restless. So, he has that and is resting better, but we can still communicate. We asked him if he's seen his guardian angel because he was talking to someone - he said yes. When Mom asked him to explain or describe his angel, Dad said, "You wouldn't believe me" and smiled.
I don't know what's going on in his heart and mind... I don't know why God still has him here. I still claim that God could heal him, but I recognize that the signs are pointing to God taking him home soon. I don't know... it's all so unreal and real at the same time... each of us spent time with Dad one-on-one on Tuesday sharing our hearts with him. I think we are all peaceful and ready for whatever God has. It's just hard to wait... it's a new level of patience and endurance.
Yesterday, when Dad said he didn't know what was going on in his body, Mom said, "None of us know what's happening... there's only one person who does." And Dad looked at her and said, "Our Savior". Then Mom said, "Our Savior only asks us to do one thing." And Dad said, "Trust." What a testimony!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY DAD and have been so blessed to have him for 26 years! But I freely give him back the Lord and say, "Blessed be the name of the Lord... He gives and takes away, but blessed be the name of the Lord." I write this with tears... (I've mentioned to the nurses that I may need rehydration soon) but I continue to be confident.
Friday, November 4, 2005, 7:45 AM
We don't understand it... Dad is still here with us on earth. At least three times yesterday we thought he was within minutes of entering heaven, and then he roused and started breathing deeply again. It is SO HARD! We don't know why God is keeping him here... but we trust.
Last night he came to and said, "I'm going to get new feet - feet that won't hurt anymore!" Then Mom started quoting Isaiah 40:31 about running and walking without weakness and Dad quoted right along with her. Then he said with a big smile, "That will be AWESOME!" He's ready to go! At other times when he comes to he'll kinda look around and wonder why he's still here. At one point we asked him if he was headed to glory soon and he said he was already there. I don't know what he was seeing at that point, but we really believe he is almost HOME. We are anxious for the moment when he is free from this struggle... and it truly is a struggle! Mom says there must still be wars waging and hearts changing for God to be keeping him here. The nurses and aids are all very touched by what's happening... many have tears and have expressed that there is such love in room 212, love like they've never seen before.
We continue to learn to wait on the Lord...Friday, November 4, 2005 was probably the hardest day of my life, yet one of the most amazing days of my life. Here is what I wrote on Saturday, November 5...
At around 9:15 PM last night, God reached down and very peacefully took my Daddy Home to heaven. It was absolutely AMAZING! I cannot express to you how agonizing the day was, and yet how beautiful and precious his death was. It sounds bizarre, but it is so true!We decided yesterday morning that we needed to get him out of the hospital and bring him home to Hatfield. We felt strongly that he needed to rest at home, and there was such an attitude of death at the hospital. We knew God was calling Dad to heaven soon, but the atmosphere of oppression was overwhelming! So, with peace and confidence that the Lord was clearly directing us, we had an ambulance transport him home so he could be in his own bed. The afternoon and evening held some of the most difficult and torturing moments for us as a family. But yet we had some precious times of communication... Dad expressed raw emotion and prayer to the Lord. He called on the Lord to help him, to guide him in on this path of pain. He and I quoted verse after verse together, but probably the two we quoted the most were Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths," and Isaiah 26:3, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusts in Thee." He would cry out to the Lord and say, "I don't understand this path, but I trust... oh God help me." One of the last things we heard him say before he couldn't communicate was, "Just a little bit longer..."
Slowly Dad lost his ability to communicate and his body started to lock up. Every breath was a moan and we were powerless to help him in any way. It was sheer torture! But a little while before he passed away, his eyes suddenly shifted and he got a big smile on his face! At that moment the attitude in the room changed from despair to joy and we knew he was seeing something wonderful! It was only a little while later that he breathed his final breath with us crowded around Him praising the Lord and singing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". And it was SO peaceful! We felt this huge burden lift - Dad is finally home and has NO MORE PAIN OR SUFFERING!
We all slept well last night... there are tears, but that's also wonderful! You don't need to pray for Dad anymore, but please continue to pray for us! We know these days will be difficult. We know sorrow and grief will overwhelm us at times. But we also know that our God is POWERFUL and while Dad's battle is over, we continue to need His power in our lives for the battles that are to come. I can't wait to be in heaven looking back on this time and see how it was only a moment. And I cannot wait for the day when pain and suffering are forever GONE!
This song has been going through our minds for several days... Mom and Dad sang it together in the middle of the night just two days ago:
"Just think of stepping on shore, and finding heaven...
of touching a hand, and finding it God's...
of breathing new air, and finding it celestial...
of waking up in Glory, and find it HOME!"
That's where Dad is!One of my most favorite, yet most painful, memories of that week, was the Sunday before Dad died. Dad was in the hospital and I skipped church... I just couldn't handle being there among so many people. Instead I went to the hospital... I was talking with Dad, but just couldn't contain my tears anymore and lost it! I was sitting next to the bed - he pulled my head against him and told me to just cry. He said "Cry... just cry. God understands your tears and is catching every one of them." And he just held me as I sobbed and sobbed.
I miss him.
Maybe I'm biased, but I think I had the best Dad in the entire world. It hurts to not have him here. I'm learning how to allow others to fill the roles that my Dad had in my life. It's hard to remember and grieve the loss of my Dad, yet continue to take steps in life.
I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the hope of seeing him again.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,
so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort
we ourselves have received from God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
