It's been a while since I've posted... haven't really thought too much about this blog, and I'm not really sure anyone reads it. I'm ok with that. I think I just started it to share some thoughts and know that maybe God could use the glimpses into my relationship with Him to encourage someone else.

Much has happened in the past few months - many good and exciting things!

... One of my good friends got married and I had the privilege of being in her wedding...
... I bought a house!!...
... School finished and I am enjoying summer...
... Another good friend had a baby girl on my birthday...
... I am taking my final class for my Masters degree...

And with all of these good and exciting things comes apathy... why does that seem to happen? Why is it that when life is going ok and coming together it is so easy to put God in the back and instead take personal control? Forgive me, Lord. The poem I posted on my very first blog entry is relevant to this thought. "Valley of Vision". It is true that when we are in the low places -- the valleys of life where the darkness seems more present than the light -- it is then that God's glory shines in greater contrast to our darkness. "In the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells, and the deeper the wells, the greater thy stars shine."

Lord, I desire to see You and grow in my relationship with you. Yet, it scares me to ask You to show me who You are... because I don't really desire pain or hardship or sadness or difficulty. Yet, more than not desiring those things, I do desire to know You above all. So, if growing in my relationship with You requires you leading me through a valley, I trust You and I will follow. Aahhh... there is a war inside of me when I say this! Because I really DON'T desire a valley! And I guess growth doesn't always happen in a valley, so, Lord, I'd love if we could continue to grow our relationship on the high planes and mountains. More than anything, Lord, direct me steps in Your perfect plan and path for my life.

"O my Savior, help me.
I am slow to learn, so prone to forget, so weak to climb;
I am in the foothills when I should be on the heights;
I am pained by my graceless heart,
My prayerless days,
My poverty of love,
My sloth in the heavenly race,
My sullied conscience,
My wasted hours,
My unspent opportunities.
I am blind while light shines around me:
Take the scales from my eyes
Grind to dust the evil heart of unbelief.
Make it my chieftest joy to study thee,
Meditate on thee,
Gaze on thee,
Sit like Mary at thy feet,
Lean like John on thy breast,
Appeal like Peter to thy love,
Count like Paul all things dung.
Give me increase and progress in grace so that there may be
MORE DECISION IN MY CHARACTER,
MORE VIGOUR IN MY PURPOSE,
MORE ELEVATION IN MY LIFE,
MORE FERVOUR IN MY DEVOTION,
MORE CONSTANCY IN MY ZEAL.
As I have a position in the world,
Keep me from making the world my position.
May I never seek in the creature
What can be found only in the Creator,
Let not faith cease from seeking thee until it vanishes into sight.
Ride forth in me, thou King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
That I may live victoriously, and in victory attain my end.

from "The Valley of Vision"

Resting...

This idea of trusting in, resting on, surrendering to the Lord isn't easy. It is uncomfortable at times... like now. Yet, it's freeing. I can play and pour out my heart knowing my Savior rejoices over me. I can respond to His love and grace and bask in His delight. Dancing with Jesus!

God is good

His grace never fails... His love is overwhelming! I am learning many, many things about myself, who I am in Him, what it means to truly honor and serve Him, and how to walk (and dance) with Him each and every day. What a joy it is to be in communion with Him; not just during the moments of focused prayer and reading His Word, but constantly in fellowship with Him.

Oh Father of Jesus,
Help me to approach thee with deepest reverence,
not with presumption,
Not with servile fear, but with holy boldness.
Thou art beyond the grasp of my understanding,
But not beyond that of my love,
Thou knowest that I love thee supremely,
For thou art supremely adorable, good, perfect.
My heart melts at the love of Jesus,
My brother, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh,
Married to me, dead for me, risen for me;
He is mine and I am his,
Given to me as well as for me;
I am never so much mine as when I am his,
Or so much lost to myself until lost in him;
Then I find my true womanhood.
But my love is frost and cold, ice and snow;
Let his love warm me,
Lighten my burden,
Be my heaven;
May it be more revealed to me in all its influences
That my love to him may be more fervent and glowing;
Let the mighty tide of his everlasting love
Cover the rocks of my sin and care;
Then let my spirit float above those things
Which had else wrecked my life.
Make me fruitful by living to that love,
My character becoming more beautiful every day.
If traces of Christ's love-artistry by upon me,
May he work on with his divine brush
Until the complete image be obtained
And I be made a perfect copy of him, my master.
O Lord Jesus, come to me.
O Divine Spirit, rest upon me.
O Holy Father, look on me in mercy for the sake of the well-beloved.

from The Valley of Vision

Rejoicing in the midst of great sorrow...

Josh, my brother's best friend, took his final earthly breath Saturday night at 6:50 pm and entered into heaven. I wonder what that is like... to be suffering one moment, and the next to be free from pain and sin. I wonder if Dad was there to welcome Josh... I wonder what it's like to no longer walk by faith, but now walk by sight...

So many questions... but such HOPE!

Dancing in the Storm

Sometimes life all around seems to be storm... death and suffering seem to be crashing in all around... and it doesn't make sense...

Josh, my brother's best friend, is in his final moments on earth. He was diagnosed with leukemia on January 8th of last year. He's fought valiantly. But it seems God is calling him home. He's 21... engaged... a young man with a heart for the Lord.

"He gives and takes away...

my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be your name.' "

The boyfriend of one of my students committed suicide on Wednesday night. Doesn't make sense... the big question everyone is asking, "WHY?" Only you know, Lord. Use this for good, though we can't comprehend what that might be.

In the past three weeks, I've known 9 people who have died. It's heavy...

BUT I can rest. I grieve, but I rest in knowing that I cannot and will not figure it out. I see the underside of a great tapestry... it's full of knots and what appear as cut pieces of thread. It's not beautiful. But I know the other side of that canvas is beauty beyond what I can imagine. So, I rest in the arms of the One who has designed and is creating the tapestry. He's promised that He will never leave His children. And so much more...

Hebrews 2:14-18

"Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil— and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death. For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted."

So, I continue to learn how to dance... in the sun and in the storm.

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished."
Luke 1:45

I found out after our Christmas concert this evening (Friday) that my co-worker, Scott, passed away sometime during our concert... I've spent some time thinking about what Amanda (daughter) and Cheryl (wife) might be going through right now... brings back a lot of memories... my dad left earth on a Friday evening as well... there were so many mixed emotions that night... RELIEF and absolute SORROW... it's kinda like walking through a fog... "what do we do now?"... our primary purpose for weeks and months was to care for, encourage, and help Dad... now he's not here anymore... "what do we do now?"... I remember just walking around the house knowing that life had forever changed, yet not knowing what that really meant. I can imagine that's what Amanda may be feeling right now too.

Lord, right now I pray you would flood Amanda, Cheryl, Scott's parents and other family and friends with PEACE! Give them a night a deep rest and sleep. Wrap Your arms of comfort around them, assuring them of Your sovereignty and complete love for them. The coming days are probably going to be so busy with lots of details to take care of and many people to communicate with... give them supernatural patience, grace, and strength. THANK YOU that we have HOPE! "He who promised is faithful." May You, the God of hope, fill them with all joy and peace as they trust in You. Amen.