The Ferris Wheel

This was written by my mom as she reflected on her path of grief in the time following my dad's death.

"You are on a huge ferris wheel,
higher than any ever seen,
and at the very bottom it whirls you under water for a few seconds
before it brings you back up into the sun and air.
You are not in control of its movement or speed,
and sometimes,

in order to let others disembark somewhere on the side,
it stops at the very top
and you’re suspended in the air,
viewing amazing vistas you have never seen or felt before.
You are in a place far above and removed from the people and activities below,
your heart is soaring with the exquisite beauty,
and you see so much more,
recognizing the hand of the Creator,
feeling Him all around and in you,
and in a greater way than ever before you realize
that this is what you were created for…
worship,
the deepest intimacy with Him.
But other times you are stopped underwater,
you can’t breathe,
it’s the deepest agony,
and you are sure you are drowning.
The pain,
anguish,
and darkness
are so overwhelming,
and as you fight it you become weaker,
more sluggish,
and disoriented.
There is no way out.
Then, at the very last nanosecond of ebbing life,
you sense movement and you are lifted into the air once more,
and you are amazed you have lived through such a desperate,
deep darkness.
The ecstasy is unparalleled as the breeze dries you,
the sun warms you,
and you rise to the top again with even greater wonder,
appreciation,
and adoration for the One who sees your every thrashing need
and lifts you out of your despair.
As you come down the other side
you feel fear in anticipation of inevitably going under the water

again,
yet He has manifested His power and love so clearly the last time
that you find you don’t dread it quite as much.
As time goes on you realize it’s no longer quite as excruciating,
and the times underwater are further apart,
and you learn to sit,
quietly,
waiting,
holding your breath underwater,
in the darkness,
sensing that you are actually not alone…
and you know the light, air and relief will come again,
and someday it will be unbroken light,
pure air
and total peace forever.
And you realize that the cycle of the wheel
is gradually enhancing your appreciation for the gift of life
and the ultimate gift of life eternal one day."